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Posted on 2014.09.12 at 20:44
I'd rather run my own world than face your reality



Posted on 2007.06.20 at 17:47
Current Location: Cassehs house, Basement
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Incubus - Echo

He's going to Europe for two weeks.
I think about him every second of every day, and mourn when I cant see him.
Will I even last that long?


Organized Chaos

Posted on 2007.06.16 at 10:32
Current Location: my cage
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: The Vines
Home, shouldn't It be somewhere I feel comfortable? Shouldn't it be somewhere I belong?
I would think so, and if that is true then this is not my home. I'm disrespected in the worst ways, I have no freedom, and I don't belong here. Yet, I cannot leave it. I am caged. I love outside, I love the grass, the sun, the air...I love David.
Yet, I can't go outside, I can't smell the grass, I can't get used to the sun, I choke on the air...I can't find my love. With him I feel alive. When I do get out, I'm like a freed slave. I've gotten too used to captivity, too paranoid to live.
My dreams, my haven, my love...
This is unbearable. The calm, the quiet, the silence. Me left alone in this place with thoughts of him. I wish I could see him, I wish he knew  how he made me feel.



Posted on 2007.06.12 at 14:05
Current Mood: pensivepensive
I swatted a fly on my door
I left it there
a constant reminder that death...creeps up on you...
or rather...it flys...circles us, annoying thing
buzzing in my ear

on a happier note, i found him, my distraction.
My everything


Blast Off

Posted on 2007.06.09 at 16:50
Current Location: home
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: Coldplay - X & Y

I never really know how to start these, I'm not artistically inclined when it comes to writing, or any sort of expression. I either rant, or state facts. But last night was so perfect, that even amnesia could not rob me of those memories...

However, I am afraid:
That i'll be the one to screw things up, that i might disappoint him, that i will push him away, that i will be left vunerable, that i will hurt him...

I want to save him, just as he saved the doll from the fire, he is worth saving, if he will let me. But I fear he'll watch me as i crumble and fall on my face. Will he watch me burn? Will he try to cage me? I venture into the unknown.

and if he doesn't read this, I know he will get this message...some way or the other

I fear his heart will stop.
I'm not trying o be selfish, or picky...he doesnt have to do anything for me to be completely captivated by him.

"I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black." 

Coldplay - Amsterdam

Come on, oh my star is fading
I swerve out of control
If I'd, if I'd only waited
I'd not be stuck here in this hole.

Come here, oh my star is fading
and I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I've got to get out of this hole.

But time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I'm screaming underneath

And time is on your side, it's on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It's no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I'm on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
but it won't change a sin
I'm sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge
tied to the noose
She came along and she cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose


cut to the chase

Posted on 2007.04.14 at 16:20
Current Mood: awakeawake
i think, therefore i die


The Discovery Factor

Posted on 2007.04.14 at 15:31
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Things have come to the point where I'm alone simply because I want to be. Humans just confuse me, I don't know how to act around them and I'd rather just avoid them. I only hope that someday I'll meet someone just as anti-social, awkward and misguided as I .Until then I wait, in the dark, entertained by my fiction and clouded in the unreal...hiding.

Waiting to be discovered.


Pish Pop Poppy Cock

Posted on 2006.03.23 at 23:48
Current Mood: awakeawake
pwned this off cas who pwned it from sarah and so on and such

A - Age you got your first kiss: possibly 6 or 7 while playing hide and go seek and i hid under the bed and the seeker found me
B - Band listening to right now: Orgy
C - Crush: many....some out of the country some in my school
D - Dad's name: Eian mark England
E - Easiest person to talk to: cas and some other cool ppl on msn
F - Favorite bands at the moment: Coldplay, Radiohead, Metric, Orgy, Nirvana, Mindless self indulgence, NIN, Aqua
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: worms...bears only if its with white chocolate
H - Hometown: uhh st. catherine or broward?
I - Instruments: I played the steel drums at one time and a recorder in gr. 7
J - Junior High: Lisgar
K - Kid: what? kid? what sorta lame Question is that? Its not even one.
L - Longest car ride ever: dont remember
M - Mom's name: Sonia Allison Street
N - Nicknames: Al, ali baba, allichan, allison, boner, squishy
O - One wish: to be a boy instead of a girl.
P - Phobia[s]: Well i hate large ships that resemble the one from ghost ship or titanic and I also am not a huge fan of zombies or maggots

Q - Quote: "For you I'd bleed myself dry" - you know who!! sneezecasneeze lol...
R - Reason to smile: Casseh
S - Song you sang last: perhaps Sonne by rammstein
T - Time you woke up [today]: 7 20
U - Unknown facts about me: I like crossdressing (drag kings), maybe not as much as cas though and I'd want to try sleeping completely in the nude. I also probably have some sort of OCD and possibly an undiagnosed mental problem inherited from my mother, I often have thoughts of necrophillia but I know I will never actually go through with it, I really wanna try E and go to a queer bar or rave.
V - Vegetable you hate: green peas!
W - Worst habit(s): biting my nails, writing on my body, stripping my lips or biting on it until it bleeds, watching sick hentai vids .
X - X-rays you've had: my wisdom tooth, my kidneys, my shoulder...
Y - Yummy food: Fettucini Alfredo, mr noodle, nacho cheese and yogurt
Z - Zodiac sign: Libra


Small Talk

Posted on 2006.02.16 at 19:33
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Hello All = P

It's almost that time, I've got to get feb's issue of Newtype Usa!

I've only seen the cover and Eureka Seven is on it, hmmm sounds like a copy of FLCL, but anywho, I might give it a chance. Other than that everything is fairly “normal”" or what I'd call stable, nothing worth whining about because I'm perfectly fine now and I haven't been "moody" since valentines day. I read my last blog entry and could hardly even recognize it, well I mean I just don’t remember feeling so "misunderstood" and "Emotional" as normally I’m quite "docile" and calm as Neko puts it.

Well, lets just say I lost control there, but I'm handling it well now...

Ancient Civ is tres awesome and I seem to be doing good because its right up my alley, tech is sort of boring, anthro is funneh, Mr. jull is quite a handful, and art is grrrrreat, I've got neko, jade, Sam and Carl at my table = )

hmmm... while I’m at it I might as well say that cas broke her glasses, poor her X(

and I've gotten clothes set out for every day of the week for 2 weeks....hehe, I couldn't help it XD

I also found myself trying using a paper towel to use my mouse because of germs, when its only me who uses it! but as I've said I got it under control! O_o

Anywho, i'm freakishly cheerful right now and I have no idea why, earlier at school however I was feeling dreadful...(bad headache), and quite hostile.

Neko brought up the subject of "Why do black people get their own holiday if we are trying to have equality..." Now I found this in no way racist because what she was saying is exactly right and seeing as I don’t have the right to fight for any one side, I was completely on the fence about this.

So it is segregating BUT I see it this way, Whites know they were wrong right? its over and done with (the whole slavery thing) and its not their fault it was their ancestors so no trouble, but the Blacks are less than forgiving, I guess its sort of hard to forget 200 years of bullshit. Anywho, to shut them up and I guess for compensation, the whites said ok, lets give em a month that they can call their own, its the least we can do for whipping them all the time. I mean black history month celebrates alot of things, freedom, rights, black contribution, because really before no one gave a shit about them back then even if they helped out, but again this was not the whites fault, it was what was said to be good and to be bad and it was assumed that it was ok to enslave a whole race because they were darker, maybe they thought they were less human because of it, that’s understandable look at how we treat apes when they share 98% of the same DNA as we do, we treat them like animals because they are a different species. Blacks only got black because of evolution and climate so its all a misconception and they've tried to give back out of courtesy. Still, the stereotypes are awful, half the black kids don't even care about it now, because now its an opportunity to get the white kids back, so really no one is right here. White people hate rap - black people hate rock when they invented it! and the whites didn't steal it from them either, its music goddamnit! no one owns it...


There are alot of cultural values on both sides with many differences and similarities and it prevents us from getting along because its in human nature to be territorial. That was my side and Neko came with another excellent point! what about those other oppressed races? can't they get their holidays too? What about white history month?

my argument: Its in our heads that whites are racist against every other culture but its true that it works the other way around, If someone doesn't do things your way you automatically think its odd. I mean those "first nations" (as they'd like to be called now) must have been like "What the hell are those Yankee’s wearing? Where are their loin cloths and body tattoo’s?" but what makes it different is that they then said " I hope we can live harmoniously with them on this abundantly fertile land that god sent us" not " They must be confused this is our land so lets just give them a hint and shoot a couple and maybe they'll go away" or maybe they did say that? Who know's the problem all lies in the difference in our cultures and cultural values what we see wrong or what we see acceptable and also individual values too....We think so differently on alot of things that we automatically divide ourselves, label ourselves and stay isolated. AND if we had a "White history month" some would shout KKK and white pride/supremacist! or "Brown history month" why do they get a holiday! they blew up the world trade centre!

THATS HOW PPL THINK, its awful but we've been moulded to think like that and we fail to understand that races have people in it that are also vastly different, you can't judge a whole race by a group of people in it and to and no race is pure, the idea of races should not even be valid because every human shares 99.9% the same DNA and that 0.1% seems to be the world of difference.

What I do have to say that is slightly BIASED is this: They Greeks have a colourful mythical interesting history, so do the Africans, Romans, Incans, Mayans, Indians, Chinese (Mongols), Irish, English, Germans, Dutch, Canadians and basically everyone except the Americans not saying that they don’t have a history but theirs is not like the others and theirs is less "fabricated" , so they've tried to find traces of their history that makes them more interesting, steal others or make up their history that would sound glamorous. But you can’t blame them, the Americas were discovered way after everything else, all the others had a head start. Even with this bias I still think their history is important because a lot of people died to get it this way, civil wars for independence and lots of new innovations.

Well I’m almost done my ranting, but in my opinion maybe we should have a day were we celebrate all cultures, nothing is wrong with that, it would be equal and maybe we shouldn’t focus so much on skin colour because that has nothing to do with who we are; that factor only came by because of biological inheritance and environmental adaptation…but it wont hurt to let the blacks bask in their own glory for once....its only an appreciation month and would be the same if we had like a doctors history month and all the mechanics rose up againstthem and said it wasn't fair we cause we are trying to have equality! and blah blah blah some things aren't worth the trouble...

Yeah so if anyone happens to read this and agrees or has another view feel free to tell me...I normally bullshit my way through arguments anyways but for once I think this made some sort of sense XD



vade in pace



Posted on 2006.02.14 at 22:27
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
I don't know how I got this way, and what I've become...

I hate it, I hate me for all the pain I put him through. I know now how he felt…well I don’t know…but I do know that I tortured him, sent him to Hades and back, I ripped out his heart, emptied all its contents, drained him, and then stuffed it back inside, expecting him to live on normally and forget about me, about us. I would forever walk past him with blank eyes that showed no mercy that left him hanging on bits sinew, tissue and flesh.

Just Like a machine.

I don't know what made me like this, I was able to look at him, feeling nothing while he was crying and begging not to put him through this, and I just stood there and told him not to love me anymore, as if we could easily throw away what we supposedly had.

The thing is.... I could and I did.

I don't love him and when he finally let me go I didn't shed a tear, well none that anyone saw, I didn't make a fuss, I didn't make a scene, I didn't slap him, and I didn't call him a pansy for crying. I think the worst of it was that I felt nothing, no sympathy or compassion or any emotion that I could name. Isn’t it ironic that our last day as “lovers” was on valentines day. Isn’t it wonderful!

…truth is..

I felt like a bloodthirsty monster, one that you'd see and wonder how they've become so heartless...what made them so inexplicably evil... but it made me happy that I showed no weakness, or vulnerability, in my mind it felt like strength, its some sort of false pride I have that prevents me from feeling....


Its a good thing that I'm aware of how empty I am, I can almost feel the nothingness, and my life feels like it has no true meaning, that it is based on routine, a compulsive way of living, If you can even call it a life, but its something. A life that’s based on impulse, a programme. And when I wake up, go to school, talk to friends…

Its all a façade, all fake, a mask that I wear to fit in, like silicone to hide the metal underneath. But you can’t hide it, people start to realize…that your a machine, lacking in organic parts...that your different.

I no longer know who I am anymore, now my paint strips away, I am rusting and I can‘t stand it…because even machines feel used and weary, and when its time is coming to an end, before it gives in, there is that last effort, that last push…

This is one step to becoming more human…I feel confused now, bionic, mixed parts....but anyways...I can change, and though I hate committment, I get used to change, I can adapt...I am evolving...

I talked to my mother today, biological of course, and, it was all the same...non responsive...

I realised too how much I'm like her, no one really knows what’s behind those eyes, what she felt, all the crap she's been though because she's just another crazy to others, but she IS my mother...what kills me the most is that she was so brilliant! So much potential, the most intelligent and kind person...she could have been great, but she was cursed with fading mental health and but I know a part of her is still there...even if it lives in me...


It seems inevitable...I'm am turning out to be exactly what she is, an empty forgotten lunatic, and the more I think about it the more it drives me crazy, the more I become exactly what I’m running from...

A maze, a goddamned maze…I don’t want to admit it, but I can no longer do this alone…I know this yet I drive away the ones who love me, and I watch myself do it and I like it...

It’s disgusting…its annoying, I hate talking about but It gets worse if I don’t, I hate sounding whiny, I hate asking for help…I hate this emo-teen-angst shit I seem to be doing…

but I’m going in circles…and I wont stop myself…Its total annihilation, a genocide of all the things that make me, me…a war inside my head and I’m losing…fading like an old photograph, I’m slipping like sand through my own fingers… Complete disintegration…I’m collapsing into myself, like a star, I can see my future…and its no light at the end of the tunnel…

It’s a black hole…I see my future in the abyss… I see my self destroyed

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